our first heartbreak

About a month ago Cody and I received information about a precious baby boy who was about 6 weeks old! We were asked by our agency if we would like to submit our homestudy to CPS (child protective services) for him to become OURS! We looked over the pictures and information about him and immediately said YES! We said yes on the phone, but the pictures were even more of a YES! He was BEAUTIFUL and PERFECT and just the most precious thing I have ever seen in my life.  We fell in love immediately.  We were told by our agency that they were not sure how many cases would be submitted for him and that sometimes CPS will not even let you know if that don't choose you...THAT STINKS.  So, with our hearts all in we began praying and waiting.  We prayed consistently for baby boy, for the social workers that would decide what family he belonged in (can you imagine having that job?), we prayed for his birth mom and siblings, and we prayed that if he was to be ours that the Lord would begin knitting our heart to his.  The day we got the call about him was crazy.  We had come off of a frustrating few weeks with NO MOVEMENT and we were just begging for something.  As Cody and I prayed that morning he prayed specifically that we would have movement that week, that we would hear something, that something would change.  So, when we got that call my first thought was...THANK YOU JESUS.  THIS IS IT, he is our son!  Several weeks went by with us fervently praying over this baby boy and wondering if they were still trying to pick a family or if they had just not chosen us.  Well, Friday we got an official email that Cody and I were not chosen to be his momma and daddy.  WHEW...it hurts even typing it.  As I read the email by heart sank.  In that moment I allowed Satan to come in and tell me that I will never be a good mother, that CPS will never pick Cody and I for a child, that everything we wrote on our homestudy is wrong, and so many other things.  I had a breakdown for about an hour.  I was angry, still am.  The funny thing is we were told to not get our hopes up, not get attached...but how in the world do you not?  How do you not look at those pictures every single day and fall more in love with that sweet baby boy.  That is something I am yet to figure out....how to detach my heart and emotions from every child I see.  I CANT DO IT!

I have found strength in the pure fact that God has had our child chosen since before time began.  He knows which one is ours and they are just not ready for us yet.  Or, we are not ready for them.  The Lord is teaching Cody and I so much right now.  Dependency on him is the ONLY place to be, i don't know how we would make it otherwise.  I am so thankful for that.  I am so thankful HE is there always.  I am so thankful that there is a reason for everything HE does even though I may not see it.  I have to remember that. 

So now we wait some more.  We pray for more patience.  We continue to pray for the sweet child that will be an Albritton and we take this time with just Cody and I and cherish it.

One of my biggest struggles in this has been feeling like God has left this situation, this adoption.  That Cody and I have been obedient to him and now I am ready for him to meet us in the middle.  I know he hasn't left...he is still working and I see that, but sometimes I just refuse to see that.  "Steady my Heart" by Kari Jobe has been something else that has been a comfort to be.  I probably listen to it at least 6 or 7 times a day.  My favorite part:

"But your here, Your real

I know I can trust you.

Even when it hurts,

Even when its hard,

Even when it all just falls apart

I will RUN to you

because i know that you are

lover of my soul, healer of my scars

YOU STEADY MY HEART"

I am thankful to serve a God who is HERE, who is REAL, and who I can RUN to.  And, Im thankful that HE can steady my heart when it is ALL OVER THE PLACE and nothing but a hot mess!